My Life In Theory

Remember when we were little and we'd make lists for Santa of all the things we wished for. Silly things like toys, books, candy, cloths, season tickets to the LA Kings.... okay maybe that was just me. These days with people pushing and pulling for useless junk on expensive shelves it seems that as we got older we came to look forward to the list more and more and the idea behind the holidays less and less. It is as if we never realized that those lists were just an excuse to be greedy for a few short days a year. I guess it must be the 6 year old that lives in each of us, the one who sees holiday lights and smells pine in the air and just has to get a bit out of control, and somehow we forget what really matters. For me it is was and will always be all the memories I've made over the year its sad i can't remember what i got for Christmas last year but i can tell you who showed up on my front doorstep at 10pm on Christmas eve to help clean up after the holiday madness ...

To quote my favor ite perso n this week " When the hell did we becom e adult s?" i wanna go back in time to when drink ing beer, watch ing tv, going out to do nothi ng good, and getti ng lost in the momen t betwe en 3am and the rest of your life was a daily occur rence . I'm in the mood for a night of doing nothi ng produ ctive and never being asked about my futur e. my quest ion. .. "How do i excha nge my 5 year plan for a night of paid cockt ails? "

Remember when you worked to make money for your life..... How did it turn into your life revolving around your work? You know that feeling where one day becomes one week, becomes one month, becomes one year, becomes one life in a really dull rut you can’t get out of no matter how hard you try to break the surface of mountain building on top of you. It just seems like my last few weeks has blurred so much that I don't know what day it is any more. It’s all become the same get up get dressed go to work go home go to sleep lather rinse repeat. I miss having a job that pays for my social life, rather a career that took over my life.... Virg

just another crazy month starting and a life driving me batty

I have very distant memories of summer. It was a time when I could flee the hum drum pain of Monday to Friday dullness that was school. The time was spent at the beach, the mall, or simply watching tv and going out and about with friends but somehow in the time since graduating from university and starting in the real world I've lost not only my thrive to learn but also my 3 month vacation in favor of working full time and savings my paid time off for days i simply don't want to go into the office. it's a sad moment when a woman realizes her summer wardrobe can only be worn on weekends. Is it just me or shouldn't corporate America offer a 3 month vacation in which workers can choose to flee there stuffy offices and dress close in favor of flip flops and tank tops? I for one would be far more productive in September if i had even a 30 day vacation from corporate life. But I could be the exception.

Living in la has its pluses

I've always been the kind of person who likes to keep things separate, friends, family, work, past. in the nearly 3 years I've been working for the bank I've never even fathomed working in my home town. i had made an actual point of keeping work and my past separate knowing that by transferring to my local branch I'd be forced to face the people and things that made me so damb angry for all those years. but with my most recent transfer my past and present have been placed within blocks of each other. and i am once again dealing with the past and trying to remember why i worked so hard to leave it behind. part of what makes me who i am is this little town and i know that i have to face my demon one at a time if i'm ever going to move past my past. so maybe this move will be a blessing, doubt it but here is hoping i gain something from all this. later readers

since i can remember I've had a hard time falling asleep at night, no matter how tired i am sleep never really wants to come. I blame it on a overactive imagination and a mind that hates to rest even when it should i mean i can't stop talking half the time why should my mind be any different. but right now i think it has to do with change. Change has always been my best friend and worst enemy. I love what change represents: new starts, fresh chances, clean slates, new, different, a challenge to compete with. but at the same times it's also means fear, potential failure and lack of control. and we all know how much i love to control my life. but like most of the big moments or even the small ones change comes weather i have a say or not. and it looks like the universe has seen fit to force a new change in my life. Any time i have a change in my life big or small i can't sleep my mind keeps going over my choices or lack of choices i made to lead to this moment and what th...

have you ever sat at the bottom of the pool and screamed at the top of your lungs. all your fears insecurities all your deepest darkest secrets... it's one of the most terrifying feelings in the world because the more you rage and vent the more it hurts. you can't breath, can't think, can't move your only thought is anger and water. but the water is all around you consuming you taking your pain and amplifying it making it feel so much worse. till you can't take the pain anymore and you head for the surfice only to realize that no one has heard a word you've said and you are just as trapped above the water as you were beneath the surface. i feel trapped in a life i never wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a mountain of luggage which prevents us from enjoying our last few hours in nyc. For full details call.

Good old nick and his trusty map got us lost in queens yesterday. But at least we found our way to central park. Later readers Your reluctant hero

My view from the top of the empire state building. So the last 2 days have been a bit of a tourestie blur. A broadway show, shopping on 5th avenue, the met, the empire state building, saint vartans church, and some of the best bookstores in the city. Not a bad way to spend 2 days. And as the sun rises on today the 30th of april I smile. As I live one of those once in a lifetime days, waking up in NYC. Here is hoping my 24th year of life brings the changes I'm chasing and the moments that we all live for. Love ya readers, Your 24 year old hero

A thousand appologies to anyone wondering if we made it to nyc yet. But after a 5 hour flight that involved tiny seats a bratty preteen and arriving at 8am and taking a 40 minute taxi ride into brooklyn I have to say I was justifibly to tired to blog. Day 1 in nyc has Reminded me yet again why I love it here. Our first jont was a trip to chinatown on a damp morning which earned me a slip and slide on metal grates and a rather large gash on my left knee. One that hurt like a motherfucker and sent alice on a scavenger hunt for neosporen and bandaids. Fallowed by a subway trip back to brooklyn a 4 block walk to alice's sister hellen's place and allowing myself to be a part of her practical medical school exam. One I was no longer bleeding nick and I decided to try and sleep off the jet lag. Which required 5 hours of sleep in random angles. Then a trip to manhatten proper to visit serendipity 3 for the best deserts on earth. So there you have it day one of our adventures for your c...

All my bags are packe d Im ready to go Im stand in here outsi de your door I hate to wake you up to say goodb ye But the dawn is break in Its early morn The taxis waiti n Hes blowi n his horn Alrea dy Im so lones ome I could die So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go cause Im leavi n on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go There s so many times Ive let you down So many times Ive playe d aroun d I tell you now, they dont mean a thing Evry place I go, Ill think of you Evry song I sing, Ill sing for you When I come back, Ill bring your weddi ng ring So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go cause Im leavi n on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go Now the time has come to leave you One more time Let me kiss you Then close your eyes Ill be on my way Dream about the days to come When I wont have to le...

Remember that on this day April 24, 1915 the beginning of a 3 year genocide of the Armenian people took place. Remember that 1.5 million lives were lost. Remember that millions more lost there homes businesses and history. Remember that till this day 93 years later our loss is denied. Remember that to this day genocide is referred to as an act of war by the Turkish government. Remember that in the year 2008 the president of the United States, the land of the free, choose oil and flight paths over acknowledgment of a horrendous act. Remember that one day we will be remembered. But only if you never forget. In remembrance of the 1.5 million lives lost. in remembrance of my family members i never met. who lost there lives and those who did everything in there power so that our name would somehow live on. APRIL 24. Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

How random is that. I can’t believe I'm actually taking a trip this year to one of my favorite places in the world. I've been looking forward to returning to NYC since I left two years ago. I love NY I love what it represents the times I can have there. The things I can see, the people I can meet. The person I can be while I’m there. Last time I ventured to NYC I felt like I could do anything like my limits didn’t exist that I could be anyone do anything become the person I wanted to be. After I returned home reality sunk in. Life, work, and the daily dread took over and my dreams, my hopes, my ambition. They all took a back seat for this person I was becoming. The person I became the person who is miserable half the time and just wants to be happy but can’t seem to find the puzzle pieces to make this mess make sense. Part of me doesn't want to come home after this trip I feel like I’m stuck in such a rut that change is the only thing that will force me to do somethin...

I miss writing. I miss feeling like my words matter. feeling like my voice actually matter. i miss knowing who i am and why i exist. I miss me. I've spent just shy of 9 months trying to find my place and missing the mark each time. maybe someday i'll know my purpose my place and my cause but for now lost confusing and searching works for me. the sad thing is that the closer i get to other peoples goals for me the further i fall from my own path. maybe someday i'll find my way back to myself.

I've been thinking allot lately what my life would be like if.... if I'd been a different kind of person. The kind who lived more and thought less. The kind who opened up more and didn't block the world out. The kind that wasn't so afraid and actually enjoyed the moments instead of analyzing the seconds between them. Would that girl be happier, would she of lived a better life. found more joy? who is to say but sadly dear readers we are who we are and for now all I can do is try and enjoy the moments from now on....and hope that the kind of girl i am will make me the person I'm meant to be.

Today dear readers marks the last day of my la training. Ill be taking my series 66 tomorrow then assuming a passing grade I head back to the brabch and start the online course my job requires to be a real live stock broker and after all those lovely steps ill be ready. ready for what? I've no idea anymore but right now it just feels good to be so close to finishing one quest in my life and to be starting another. I think if this time in la has taught me anything its that I can do more then I think and that hard work and studying all day is a painful process. What I'm yet to know is if it is worth it... Sadly I don't know what tomorrows results will be a passing score seems posibly and hopefully I will be all done with this madness soon. I don't know about you readers but I for one am looking forward to having my life back. The one that includes going out having fun and only really having to worry about studying. Well readers I best get back to the scenery got a air pur...

The series 66 is like 10 times duller then the 7 and I'm just trying to understand it all before my exam I can not fail. So much meaningless reading. But what can I say readers we all have our cross to bare I just happen to have one in the shape of text books and standereised test... In unrelated news the bday plans are in swing hoping to plot something really great this year. Quote of the day "either your busy living or your busy dieing but either way were always in a hurry" Later readers Your studious hero

i passed i passed i passed........ and to celebrate I'll first spend my Friday night out and about with my amazing friends and .......... Start studying for my series 66 yep the fun never stops for this girl. Color me excited -Your series 7 passing hero

i'll be missing in action for a few days As I prep and take my series 7s this Thursday I'll be MIA from the land of cellphones, email online chats and really anything that isn't study material. But I promise to take great notes and keep you all in the loop once everything is said and done. love ya readers. Your tired hero.

This is where I grew up, these are my streets, in this, my little nothing town. Filled with unimportant lives, you’ve seen a million of them as you drive along the road. Blink and you miss it, this tiny place that helped define me. This is where I ran around like a wild child searching for my conviction. This where i learned to be driven. This is where I found my path, started the course, moved forward leaving these tree lined streets in my wake. These tree lined streets where I learned to drive, learned how to speak my mind, these tiny town with nothing in it. Save for a few kids trying to live within it. Small town life you’re defined from day one, the smart girl, the loud girl, the Goth girl and the honest one. These streets hold my childhood; these trees are the back drop of all my memories. This is where I learned how to be who I am. Driving down the same streets I ran from as a kid, I wonder why I tried to avoid this place as much as I did. Small town with small minds, big h...

3 more days till my 7s. Counting the days, hours, minutes, till thursday is a bit of a daunting task. As I prep myself for a test that has been hovering over my head for over a month. Always getting closer sometime crushing me with its presents but always there behind my minds eye. I wondered for a while if I'd ever reach these days the moments just before where all I can do is push and focus and pray that I get the scores I need and can move on to the next step on this road trip. It truly is exosting readers with black circles under my eyes a knot in my stomic and a throbing pain behind my eyes I honestly just want friday to arrive to get me past this time and on to something a bit more pleasent. Like another big test hiding just behind this mountain top. Wish me luck readers Your tired hero

So as our hero reaches the end of the mountain of new material and takes her last practice quiz the small weight on her chest is finally lifted. But as she feels the moment tranquility and takes her first deep breath in 4 weeks... the powers of the universe join forces to place an even larger stone atop our hero. Thrown off balance and ex hosted she pushes on as her next mountain appears before her. Final exams. Today was a day of yep you guessed it studying as I will be taking my first final exam first thing tomorrow morning. The test couldn't come at a more unwelcome time leaving me worried if I've retained any of this information. On a light but still dim side I'll begin my week cram course Monday which will place me back in down town but at least in a more comfortable outfit. And that will quickly be fallowed by 3 more days of exams before the great, the powerful, the all knowing, all encompassing series 7's!!! Dum dum dum . If you don't catch a pattern I...

I was never a fan of track. But really what kind of person takes joy in having obstacles placed in there path as they run to reach a destination? Maybe that's why the universe takes such joy in placing hurdles in our path. For me they are in the shape of stocks bonds and options. They take the form of heavy information drenched books. Employers, family, friends, coworkers, and rivals all expecting me to pass while silently wondering what it will look like when I fall on my face.... Or maybe that's just my imagination. But either way life seems to be after me at the moment trying to catch me off guard and placing yet another obstacle in my path. I swear sometimes I can hear the faiths talking about me. "Now I know this information isn't difficult enough to grasp and the fact that she has a learning disorder which makes this just that much more confusing for her to grasp ...so what can we do to throw her a real curve ball?... I know let's give her a flu to make ...

When your a kid a sick day takes you out of your routine of school, soccer practice, and your turn to take out the trash. As an adult it allows you to skip a day of your work week in exchange for sometime at home to watch TV and vacuum . Letting you stay home and catch up on the other part of your life that doesn't include workload, reports, sales goals, and of course annoying bosses who hover over you like bad ghosts. But sadly readers when you are an overly stressed young woman studying for your series 7s all a sick day does is take you a day behind where you need to be. And while at any other time I'd of enjoyed a day of sleeping, NyQuil , you tube and coff drops at this point I'd much rather of been able to get some studying done. Now that's a sad day. Later readers Our ill Hero

So the power company decided to turn my small town off last night from 10pm to 5:30am a full 7 hours of darkness. The time in the dark made this insomniac wonder what people did before TV , radio, computers, and the Internet . Was reading by candlelight all that appealing? Or was this why birthrates were so much higher before electricity Somehow I doubt it the former... In other news my weekend was yep you guessed it uneventful. A couple hours at work on Saturday fallowed by sushi with my family then an evening of dinner drinking and darts in the OC and for a little bonus getting pulled over at midnight after leaving the bar without getting a ticket. Sunday was breakfast at Fullerton and sleeping for the rest of my lazy Sunday one day I'll have a productive weekend but for now... My weekdays are so busy that I think I'm allowed a few lazy days between Friday night and Monday morning. And on that note as it is now officially Monday and our hero sits in an overly crowded tr...

I wonder sometimes if my younger self would kick my ass if she saw who I became. Would she question how we arrived at this place in our life or will she merely mourn the loss of our dreams in exchange for ambition. Or will she understand that a dream never truly dies less the dreamer forgets... I don't know anymore readers but blogging as much as i have been lately has awoken the dreaming columnist in me and I just wish... Wish I could of held on to that happy writer cloud a little longer. That I could still be happy broke and writing my fingers to the bone for a $20 freelance piece. But a writers dream doesn't pay the bills...and while I know my ambition has taken me down a different road then originally planned I know that the end has to take me to my dream less I forget the way. And now I know that simply dreaming isn't going to make my writing career magically happen. That will require some work from the young woman I am, the woman I'm becoming, and the girl I was.....

It is raining as I get on the train this morning. That slight drizzle that makes your hair frizz and your nose cold oh the joys of mother nature... For a non-morning person being up and active before the sun has been a challenge one I've grudgingly taken hold of. So as of yesterday there is one less person in my bankers class and one less person for me to vent with on the bus ride from union station to our classroom in the heart of the financial district. I feel bad that he had to quit the program so early in but its just a good reminder that I have to complete this even if I'd rather be napping. In unrelated news Castro resigned as president of Cuba , Kosivo declared independents from Serbia , and Hillary and Obama are still duking it out for the democratic nomination. Seems the world is Topsy tervy today with so much political uncertainty and a war just in the background one has to wonder sometimes what today's sunrise well bring. More news, more change, somethi...

So I passed my midterm with a 72 no less. Which for those of you keeping track is 12 percent above what I needed not to get booted out of this program. I honestly thought I had done far worse in comprehending all this nonsense but apparently I do understand it. And to commemorate this wondrous day I have decided to simply do as much unproductive stuff as possible starting with catching the early bus the early train and finding the time for a much needed shower before going to the happiest place on earth. In UN related news they are filming the new Robert Downy and Jamie Fox movie by my work. Thus we have a very busy city enjoying yet another film crew. so ya to another movie I won't be seeing. Well till we speak again readers, Our hero

So apparently perfection isn't possible . Least that's what my horoscope said "understand your limits as a human being and allow yourself to breath." Creepy no. It's a strange moment when everyone around you keeps telling you your doing well enough and to relax when all you see is failure looming in the background. I know once tomorrow has come to pass that I will feel better that once I've let the cards be dealt that it will all be much easier. But till then dear readers I'll be stressing out about a test I have only myself to blame if I flunk and only myself to thank if I pass. Talk about pressure. In unrelated news its valentines day another flashing reminder that I am single ya !!! But in truth it just feels nice to be cared for by my friends and family and if prince charming decides to make an appearance well then ya me. Either way have a lovely day readers

So I'd like to show you my view this morning from the office building I am trapped in for the next 7 weeks well nearly 6. Makes you realize how they came up with the name skyscraper. On the positive side my midterm has been postponed to Friday on the downside I'm a full day behind so really I just get a touch of breathing room and you know what readers I'll take it. In other news my new phone rocks. After 3 years of talking about the black berry of my dreams I finally have it and thus a means to update my blog each day. This whole traveling on someone Else's schedule is getting easier tho I still miss Cammy during the day I worry about my little car as it sits in a parking lot so far away. I'll be stopping by my branch today to send in my request for my transportation costs... Then I'll be heading for the gym to try and complete one of my new years resolutions. I figured out long ago that going to the gym in January is asking for trouble so many 30 day'...

This past week has been quite a trip, literally. I've been spending 5 days a week getting up at 5am to catch a 6am train to LA then a 7am bus to the financial district to arrive in an office building by 7:30 to stare at a screen for 8 hours. talk about a trip from my normally scheduled life. I started training for my brokers licence which is basically a crazy confusing difficult and dull concept of sitting in a box in la reading from a website and taking tests. It is something a kin to being a lab rat without the cheese. I spend most my time just trying to keep my eyes open and the other half banging my head against the cubical walls when the material gets too confusing. But what can you do as my boss likes to tell me its all about playing the game of corporate America and right now my part in the game is taking tests and trying not to look like the lazy slob I secretly am... Wish me luck readers I'll need it.

Everyone has a list of new years resolutions we make them then fail to fallow them. this year mine are finish my book start a new activity-thus the video's go to the gym Be nicer to people dress more professionally Travel more allow myself to be happy and be in shape for Nadia's wedding. So meet my new years resolution a video at least once a week to show the world that i truly am a dork.